My Experience with "I saw the TV Glow"
🐦 I finnally got around to seeing this film and HOLY SHIT! This is probably one of my favourite movies of all time now. It is so well made, so well acted, the plot is exceptional, and I have not been able to stop thinking about it. (Which to be honest, has been a lot more destructive than constructive). This is gonna be a little rambly, because thats how I think about movies, and its probably gonna assume that you've seen the movie because of what I wanna talk about. PLEASE WATCH IT IF YOU HAVEN'T ITS SO GOOOOOD. :)
(omg I am like half way through writing this and it seems like it's gonna get a little personal, buckle in)
The thing I should probably start with is that TV Glow Movie is a horror movie. I have a complicated relationship with horror, but I am generally not good with horror. My friends have been pressuring me into seeing more horror movies and I can now watch Shaun of the Dead without getting nightmares :). However I still really struggle with horror movies and the tend to disrupt my sleep for months. Things like "Hereditary" really fucked me up. I knew the movie was a horror movie, but as I was in a VC with friends, I thought I'd be fine :).
I wont bury the lead and I'll say that the premise to this movie is very relatable to me. I grew up around 5-10 after the film was set and basically was raised by the TV. A lot of those early shows really excited and inspired me, and in a lot of ways shaped who I am today. I didn't have a "Pink Opaque" like the movie, but I had my fair share of shows like "Code Lyoko", "Teen Titans", and "Adventure Time" to fill that gap. Even now, at 25 whole years old, I am thriving watching the original 90's versions of "Sailor Moon", "Card Captor Sakura", and the new series of "Pokemon: Horizons". When Maddy early on in TV Glow started info-dumping about the Pink Opaque, I litterally said to my friends "This is how I am with Sailor Moon :)"... And it sorta is.
As the movie goes on it is just so so relatable. The watching children's shows past when you "should" be watching them, the feeling that something is different about you, the feeling that time is moving weird, that something is wrong, that living in your family home will eventually lead to you loosing your life. Its almost too much. The idea of growing old being just a slow and painful suffocation to death is something I LITTERALLY felt and noted when I realised I was trans. And I feel like all of this relatability really does come down to the fact that it is a trans film. A film about transness almost. A film about the idea that you are not yourself, but the only way to rectify that is to do the most terrifying actions imaginable. In this sense, its a really REALLY good film. I think the ending is perfect and the slow building of tension towards it leaves you so speachless while watching the credits. The cinematography and FVX really add to the whole experience of unease and otherness the main character feels. For someone who isnt good with horror and for it to become one of my favourite films of all time really says something.
But the reasons why it is my favourite film of all time is why I am unable to stop thinking about it. This movie has ruined me. I have been stuck in thought just thinking about EVERYTHING. Without Grace I wouldn't have even left my room the day after. This is mostly because, I feel like in my past that I saw the TV Glow. I was filled with visions and ideas of a life where things could be better. Where things were better. Where people weren't dealing with the invisible and intangible feeling that things are different inside me, and that I was stuck unable to fully adjust, fully aclimatize to ANYTHING in the reality I lived in. (Yes I am autistic thanks for asking :) ).
Once I realized that things were different because of me, I started digging. I dug through where I buried all of the repressed feelings and emotions, I buried myself alive. It was scary and terrifying and I thought my life would end but I came out the other side and it was fine. I felt better. My soul felt like it at least loosly fit the body it was in for the first time.
So yeah the movie's metaphors are super apt for me in particular, and created an experience I was not prepared for. Relatable Horror. A horror film that I feel like I have lived through and fully understand. I feel like I lived through the nightmare realm, clawed myself out of the ground, and got to reclaim the time passing by my life. However, the film continues down a different path than I did. A path where I was too scared to explore and discover myself. Too scared to take a leap. Eventually feeling like there was too much in the "Nightmare Realm" that prevented me from leaving. The ending of the film is litterally what I believe to be (for me) a fate worse than death. It terrifies be beyond belief.
(This is getting so long please bear with I am almost done)
It gets worse, because I didnt just do self discovery, a leap of faith, and then get finished. It started with coming out as Bi, then as Non-Binary, Then Trans, then Plural, and it just keeps going. Each step of this is digging, getting buried alive, feeling like my life could end, and then clawing my way out into what ends up being another "Nightmare Realm". I am getting fucking Inception-ed over here and it terrifies me. What if I havent reached my destination and I am still suffocating slowly? What if I get to my goal, my "Pink Opaque", and kept digging, burying myself alive and finally loosing myself. This fear has been keeping me up at night. The fear that I'm not doing enough, and that I wont know when I get there.
I wanna end this on a good note, and to be honest I still havent figured out the answer. But if I were to speculate, its to not be afraid. To not be afraid to explore and see what works. Maddy in the film tried multiple things until they found out what worked. First moving states, followed by their more drastic measures. Maddy's first plan failed, but that didn't stop them from trying as hard as they could to find their "Pink Opaque".
Failing to search for a way to live as yourself is a disservice to life itself. To be too scared to find your "Pink Opaque" is to be too scared to let yourself live. This is sorta what I got from the movie, and I hope that I can live up to this. I want to find my "Pink Opaque" and not live in fear. That'd be pretty good.
I fucking love this movie.